Behind The Walls
by SGVero
Summary: Deeks struggles to recuperate from his horrific experience of being tortured. Will he return to duty? Will Kensi be there to support him, or will this further drive a wall between their relationship? Mostly Densi, will include some other characters for coherency. Rated T for now, may change to M in the future.
1. Reality check

A/N: This is written post "Descent". I don't own any of the characters of NCIS LA, sadly that includes not owning Deeks.

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_Kensi…_

The special agent heard a voice softly murmur her name. The whisper was barely audible; it sounded so far away. She tried to think about the voice, but her mind was hazy.

_Kensi, wake up. Kensi... Kens...?_

Again, the same voice brushed across her ears. It sounded familiar but her brain couldn't seem to verify the source. The muscles in her body tensed - she wanted to look to see who it was, but her eyelids felt as though they weighed a few hundred tonnes. She tried to open her mouth to speak, but her body was having a hard time complying with her mind's instructions.

"... Kensi!"

This time the voice was recognized, and instantly her eyes flew open as she was snapped out of her dreamlike state. She sat bolt upright and almost fell off the chair in which she had fallen asleep.

"DEEKS!"

Her exclamation came from the thoughts that ran rampant in her mind. Images of her partner flashed across her mind's eye, reminding her that he had been horribly tortured. Her heart beginning to race as the drowsiness ebbed away, her mind becoming clear. She tried to remember if Deeks has come out of surgery, but it wasn't a memory she could recall.

"Kensi."

She turned to face the person calling her name, her panic having stolen her focus from whomever was trying to get her attention. She exhaled nervously, her muscles relaxing as she let out the breath that she hadn't realized she had been holding.

"Callen."

Callen put a supportive hand on Kensi's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Kensi flashed him a quick apologetic smile as her instincts kicked in to hide her internal distress. "Yeah, of course. Sorry, I, uh... I guess I dozed off."

"You've been here 30 hours straight," Callen replied. Kensi shrugged her shoulders in response.

"Have I? I haven't really been keeping track of the time." She opened her mouth to yawn, and stretched her arms. She stood up from the chair and stole a quick glance around the hospital's small waiting room, discovering that the two of them were alone.

"Any updates from Hetty?"

Callen folded his arms across his chest, a small sigh escaping his lips. "Well, after you left the auto part shop with Deeks, Granger tracked down Sidorov and his two men. Let's just say there was a fight and Sidorov's side lost."

"By himself?" Kensi was shocked. "How did he take out all three?"

"He didn't. He found them in an apartment, dead."

"How?"

Callen tensed up. "The bodies were lying in a pile next to empty containers. The gold is gone." He paused before adding, "We think Janvier set them up, stole the gold, and ran."

Kensi let out an audible gasp. "Shit... And with Sidorov dead..."

"We have no leads." Callen's response was like a knife made of ice; Kensi could feel the deep feelings of intense anger beneath his cold tone.

"We'll get him, Callen."

Callen nodded. "I know." He unfolded his arms, and the expression on his face changed into one of concern. "Kensi, you need to go home."

"Huh?" His statement caught her off-guard, and she blanked for a second, staring at him with a dumbfounded expression. She swiftly recovered with a smile and said, "I'm fine, Callen, don't worry about me."

Callen's lips formed a tight line, and his furrowed eyebrows told Kensi he wasn't buying her act. "Kens, you've been here almost two days straight. You need to go home and get some rest."

"I'm fine," she repeated in a much firmer tone, trying to sound convincing. "Really, I'm fine. I'm good here."

_I need to be here,_ she added quietly to herself, as a picture of Deeks' face came to her mind. She needed to be here when the surgeon came out of that operating room. She needed to know that Deeks was alive. She needed to know that he was going to be okay.

As if Callen had read her thoughts, he said, "He's going to make it, Kens."

"I hope so."

"He will." Callen smiled in encouragement. "Now, go home and get some sleep. I'll stay and I'll call you if I get any news."

Kensi fidgeted uneasily, unsure how to respond. She knew Callen wasn't going to take no for an answer, but she also didn't want to leave. She couldn't leave. She couldn't sleep. Images of her partner, her tortured partner, haunted her conscious mind during the day and her unconscious mind at night. She was trapped in the nightmare of not knowing if Deeks would survive, her mind playing over and over that the last time they had been together - his unexpected kiss, and her reaction of running away - might end up being the very last moment they would ever share.

Kensi turned away from Callen, the beginning of tears burning in her eyes. After all the criticism she had constantly spat at Deeks for never saying what he truly meant... How could she have run away from him? How could she have run away from what she herself truly felt?

"Family of Mr. Deeks?"

Kensi turned around to face a tall man in green scrubs emerging into the waiting room. Her heart beating so loud she was sure they could hear it, she said, "Yes? How is he?"

"Not good." The surgeon approached Kensi and Callen, a grave look etched into his features. "He's suffered multiple drill wounds in the teeth and gums of both sides of his mouth; two bullet wounds, one under his left clavicle and one that punctured his right lung; and multiple bruises and lacerations in numerous places. He lost nearly a third of the blood in his body."

The surgeon went on to explain further details, but his words were unheard by Kensi. Time had frozen; her eyes were wide in horror, her heart beating painfully against her ribcage. Her mind was a mess of jumbled thoughts, tripping over itself to comprehend the situation. She had seen Deeks when she had found him unconscious in the auto part shop; rode next to him in the ambulance as they fought to stop the blood gushing out of the open gashes. She had seen him being whisked away to the operating room; but still she had so horribly underestimated the extent of the damage that had been done.

"What are his chances?"

Kensi was snapped out of her distracted state by Callen's inquisition. Eyes wider than before, she slowly brought them up to look at the surgeon's face, both needing to know the answer but being utterly terrified of the possible response.

"It's not something we can determine right now," the surgeon replied matter-of-factly. "What I can say is that it's miraculous we didn't lose him on the table. He's in ICU right now, on a respirator to ensure his body has a stable supply of oxygen until we can be sure he is able to breathe on his own. All we can do now is give him time, and hope for the best; but we will be monitoring him very closely to give him the best chance possible of making it through this."

Callen thanked the doctor, who nodded and left the room. Once he had gone, Callen turned to Kensi, knowing the news would have surely shaken her to the core.

"Kens, he's going to make it."

Kensi looked into Callen's eyes, and so deeply wanted to believe his words; but after hearing the surgeon's description of her partner's state, she found it so hard to be optimistic.

"Callen..." Kensi muttered softly, "I can't lose another partner..." Kensi's voice became more frantic as she went on. "I can't lose Deeks, I can't... I just can't lose him, what if he doesn't make it?! What am I going to do, I can't lose him Callen, I can't lose Deeks-!"

"Kensi!" Callen placed both hands firmly on Kensi's shoulders, shaking her lightly to snap her out of her panic attack. "Look, you can't fall apart right now. Deeks needs us to be strong. He's fighting for his life, and I know you're scared - we all are. But you have to hold it together. You have to be strong... For Deeks."

Kensi fell quiet. Callen was right. She needed to be strong, at the very least on the outside. She just couldn't bear the thought of losing another partner... Especially Deeks.

Because Deeks was more than just a partner to her.

"Deeks is going to be in ICU for awhile," Callen pointed out. "His body needs time. There's nothing we can do for him here." He patted Kensi's arm gently and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "You need to take care of yourself, Kensi. Think about what Deeks would want you to do."

Kensi sighed in reluctant admission. As much as every particle in her body itched for her to run to Deeks and sit by his side and not move until he woke up, she knew deep down that Deeks would want her to take care of herself. To stay strong for herself... and for him.

"Alright. I'll go home."

"Good." Callen gestured for her to lead the way, to which Kensi reluctantly complied. She stole one last glance at the hallway into which the surgeon disappeared, wishing she could have followed him, wishing she could have gone to Deeks' side and supported him.

But she would have to wait.

Callen followed Kensi outside of the waiting room and out into the cool evening air. Sceptical if Kensi was in the right frame of mind to drive, he asked, "Need a lift home?"

"No, I can drive myself." Kensi turned to face Callen, and put on the strong smile that everyone was familiar with; a smile of strength, of fortitude. "I'm fine, Callen. Thank you."

"No problem."

The two bid each other good night and parted ways. Kensi found her way to her car, her body moving absent-mindedly as if on auto-pilot. She got into her car and started the drive back to her house.

So many thoughts were going through her mind. Was she going to lose a second partner? Was she going to lose the one person in her life whom she actually trusted, the one person who meant the most to her? How could she handle losing him? The thought of her life devoid of Deeks was almost unbearable.

_I have to stay positive_, she thought to herself. _I have to stay strong. _It wasn't only for herself and for Deeks; she had worked so hard to maintain her thick-shelled persona, to prove to the team that she wasn't just a weak-sauce female completely at the mercy of her emotions. She was a strong, independent woman; she needed to be. She had an image to maintain, and it was important she did just that.

After what seemed like an endless amount of driving, she slowed the car to a stop, turned it off and stepped outside. She shut the car door and locked it, and it was only when she looked up from her car that she suddenly realized she had not driven herself back home - she had instead driven to Deeks' apartment.

"Touché, subconscious," she whispered aloud to herself. Luckily - unbeknownst to Deeks - she knew where he kept a spare key. She walked up to the front of his apartment door and reached up to the light fixture situated above the door frame. She felt around the top of the fixture, loosening the lid enough to snake her fingers into the glass box and grasp a small metal object. She withdrew the key from inside the light, secured the lid, and let herself into his apartment.

She was greeted with a concoction of smells, ranging from a Febreeze air freshener - was it vanilla? - mounted in a nearby wall, to the more pungent stench of old garbage. She took one step toward his bedroom when she heard the sound of rustling paper in the kitchen. Reflexes took over as she swiftly reached for her gun and drew it from its holster. She raised the gun, pointing it toward the kitchen door.

"NCIS, come out with your hands up!"

No response. Gritting her teeth, Kensi slowly advanced towards the kitchen. When she was only a foot away, she jumped through the doorframe into the small room, her gun held at the ready.

"Oh jeez!" Kensi let out a sigh of relief, letting her arms fall to her sides as she re-holstered her gun. "I forgot about you, Monty!"

Grateful that the source of the noise was Monty - Deeks' canine companion - moving around on newspaper that had been spread over the kitchen floor, Kensi knelt down to greet the furry animal. Monty's tail wagged in excitement as he bounded over to her.

Over the next hour, Kensi bustled around the apartment doing a general clean-up, part of which had involved taking Monty for a much needed walk. When the apartment no longer smelled of garbage, and when Monty was happily snuggled in his doggy bed at the bottom of Deeks' bed, Kensi finally went to retire herself for the night. She patted Monty good night, and went to leave Deeks' bedroom, when out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a familiar object.

A sea-foam green sleeve hung out from under the covers of Deeks' bed, just barely visible. Kensi moved over to Deeks' bed, and pulled back the covers.

It was the Slanket she had given to Deeks two years ago.

"You actually kept this...?" Kensi asked aloud in astonishment. She reached down and picked up the Slanket, which showed signs of use. So Deeks had not only kept her Slanket, but had actually used it.

"You're such a girl!" Kensi exclaimed, which shockingly elicited a chuckle from herself. That was Deeks - always making her laugh, even when he wasn't physically there.

Smiling, Kensi pulled back the covers further and slipped into the bed. She folded the Slanket just enough so that she could hug it to herself.

For awhile she just lay in the bed, completely submerged in her thoughts. She played back memories they shared in her mind, focusing on the good ones. She lowered her face to the Slanket cradled in her arms, and inhaled deeply. Her olfactory system exploded with scent unique to Deeks, and a strange but peaceful calm washed over her body.

"Deeks," she said softly into the air. "Please don't leave me... I... I need you..."

As if to respond to her plea, Monty jumped onto the bed and pranced over to her. She chucked softly as the canine licked her nose in affection. After enjoying Kensi scratching him behind the ears, Monty nudged himself in between her and Deeks' Slanket and curled himself into a ball. Kensi smiled and hugged the dog and the Slanket close to her.

Finally the exhaustion caught up with her, and she drifted off into a restless sleep.


	2. A new fear

A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading my first chapter, and thanks especially for the reviews! I greatly appreciate the time you all take to read and comment. This is a bit of a shorter chapter, I'm anxious to get into another scene but it deserves its own chapter, so here is a short link in between. I hope you enjoy!

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"_CLEAR!"_

_An upward flurry of nurses' hands preceded a set of paddles being placed onto a man's chest. His body convulsed upwards in one jerky movement as electricity flowed from the paddles into the man's body._

_Hands rushed back to the man's chest, repeating the motions of CPR. All eyes were on the monitor that tracked what should have been the beat of a heart. Time breathed only for a second, though to her – watching from outside the window, emotionless, helpless – it felt like an eternity._

"_No good. Trying again… CLEAR!"_

_A second upward flood of hands was followed by the same set of paddles pressed a second time onto the man's chest. For the second time, his body jerked towards the ceiling in response to the electric shock that was sent crackling through his body._

_The hands flew back in tidal rhythm, the repetitive movements an automatic response. Six pairs of eyes swivelled to the monitor, but the single emitted tone continued on, never breaking, never wavering. Outside the room, she could feel the air catching in her lungs, feel her insides trembling, from the extremities of her limbs to very depths of her soul, from the enclosing grip of fear._

"_No good. Cranking it up to 350… Come on, come on!… CLEAR!"_

_A third time, the hands were rapidly contracted from the man's body. She saw the doctor's lips move in what she could have only assumed was a quick prayer before the paddles were placed a third time on the body in front of him. _

_Jerking to its highest point, the body seemed to linger, if only for a split second, midair. She felt her heart stop completely: this was it. This was the final point. The beginning or the end. Life or death._

_The body then slumped heavily back into the bed. In synchrony, every single person held their breath. There was absolute silence, save for the single, crying tone of the heart monitor._

_That single, steadfast tone._

_She hadn't realized the people in the room moving around; all she could focus on was the body that lay in the bed in front of her. The body devoid of movement, devoid of life. The body of her partner._

_It was when they pulled the cover over the corpse that her fear exploded into full-blown panic. She burst through the door of the room and threw herself towards the man on the bed. She would do something, anything, to bring him back; for she refused to believe that she had just watched her partner die._

"DEEKS!"

Kensi's body jerked as she sat up, eyes wide, her forehead strewn with beads of ice cold sweat. Hoarse, labored breathing filled the dark room as she gasped for air. Dazed and confused, her mind desperately tried to make sense of what was happening. It was when she felt the familiar gruff of dog fur brush against her hand that the realization came to her.

She wasn't at the hospital; she hadn't been in one. She was in Deeks' bed, having awoken from a dream.

It was only a dream…

Kensi tore the blankets off of her body and shakily stood to her feet. Her body still trembled from the nightmare. The pictures had seemed so vivid, the illusion had seemed so real… Picturing the lucid dream sent a violent shudder down her spine. She shook her head in an attempt to purge the thoughts from her mind.

Slowly, she dragged herself out of Deeks' room and to his bathroom. She gave the cold water tap a tug, cupped her hands under the flowing water and filled the palms of her hands to splash her face. The crisp, cold water was definitely refreshing on the surface, but deep down it gave very little comfort.

"Oh God," she exhaled heavily, shutting the water tap and reaching for a towel to dry the water and sweat off her face. She had had nightmares before – who hadn't? – but this... This was unlike any nightmare she had ever experienced. This dream sequence had shaken her to her very core, and the fear that had gripped her dream-self had been so powerful that it now lingered with her in the conscious realm.

She tossed the towel unceremoniously towards the hamper in the corner of the room and headed back to Deeks' bedroom. Monty stirred in the darkness, having been awoken by her sudden outcry and consequential trip to the bathroom.

"Arruu?" Monty whined gently, sensing Kensi's distress. As she eased herself back down on the bed, he came up to her and nuzzled his head against her thigh. The ends of her mouth curved upwards in the faintest of smiles as she lightly rubbed his head.

"It's okay boy," she said softly. "It was just a bad dream. Daddy's going to be alright. He just has to, he has to come back. He will come back… I promise."

She had hesitated before adding the very last two words, but saying them out loud had felt to have somehow added conviction to her vow. Monty's tail wagged in response, the statement having seemed good enough for him.

She leaned her back against the headboard, staring into the darkness in front of her. She felt Monty reposition himself next to her, finding a spot comfortable enough to return to sleep.

_What now?_ Kensi pondered internally. Her body was exhausted, but fear had aroused her mind to the point that any attempt to sleep would undoubtedly be futile. She thought about going back to missions – since they had freed Sam and Deeks, she had yet to return – but the simple thought of being in the bullpen and seeing Deeks' empty desk made her stomach churn. She couldn't go back to work without at least knowing he would recover, without knowing that he would return.

For what was she without her partner?

What was she without Deeks, the man with whom she saw herself potentially having a future?

Her mind drifted off, playing over that one moment that was stuck in a permanent loop in her mind. Being called out by Deeks as being jealous, and storming away from him because she had been petrified to admit it was true. Deeks following her after being criticized for never communicating properly, and as she prepped her motorcycle to leave, swooping down and pressing his lips against hers in a tender but luscious kiss. Her staring into his eyes, her emotions raging throughout her body simply begging her to leap off her motorcycle and press her entire body against his, but the fear in her heart preventing her from moving. Her running away in confusion, leaving Deeks behind to surely wonder if by not acknowledging his kiss, he had just been rejected.

She hated not being able to express her true feelings, but she knew why she kept them hidden. It was safer that way. Loving someone made you vulnerable to having your heart broken; this was a lesson she had learned the hard way with Jack. She had never been as dejected and as emotionally crippled as the day that Jack had simply walked out of her life, leaving her to question whether she had ever meant anything to him at all.

This was what had kept her all this time from truly opening up to another man, from truly opening up to Deeks. She knew how he felt about her, and she figured he knew, or at least had thought, that she felt the same way about him. Of course she did; but what prevented Deeks from abandoning her? Jack had proclaimed all sorts of love to her, as she was sure Deeks could; but what would guarantee that Deeks wouldn't leave her?

Therein lay the problem: there was no guarantee. There never could be. It was simply a risk she would have to take.

And she just hadn't been sure if her heart was ready to take on that risk again.

But now, after having lived through that nightmare – after having experienced the debilitating agony of watching that steadfast flat line – she felt a different sense of fear. This wasn't a simple matter of being afraid of possible heartbreak; no, this was much more. This was a feeling of horror in its purest form.

She was terrified at the thought of Deeks letting go instead of fighting for his life because he figured he had no reason left to fight.

The mere thought choked the breath from her lungs. If Deeks believed she had run away because she didn't share his feelings… If Deeks believed his love for her would go forever unrequited… What stopped him from throwing in the towel, from giving up on fighting and letting death take him?

"No..." She whispered aloud in realization, barely loud enough to hear her own voice. She was used to closing herself off in self-defence; she had made a personal vow to never again let herself get as vulnerable as she had been with Jack. It had been so easy for him to crush her because of how vulnerable she had allowed herself to become, by opening up her heart to him and letting herself love him. She knew she couldn't deny her ever-growing feelings for Deeks, but by fighting against acknowledging them, she at least felt her heart was protected from being broken once again.

But now, she was faced with something entirely different; it wasn't only her heart at stake. She may have been protecting herself, but in doing so, she was hurting the one person left on Earth that she felt she could trust.

It was this fear – that Deeks would give up in thinking he had no reason left to live – that now scared her the most.

In a split second she was back on her feet, frantically amassing her belongings with one thought resonating strongly in her mind. Within minutes, she set out a quick breakfast for Monty, straightened up the protective newspaper on the kitchen floor, grabbed Deeks' Slanket, and left the apartment. She pocketed the spare key, knowing she would return; someone had to care for Monty, and it seemed as good an excuse as any to stay in Deeks' apartment. Getting into her car, she tossed the Slanket on the passenger's seat, started the ignition, and drove off into the night, the hospital her only destination.

She was a reason for him to fight, and it was up to her to make sure that he knew this. She would make sure he knew in his heart that she was a reason for him to stay alive.


	3. Two paths, one choice

A/N: I apologize for the delay in updates, I got quite caught up with midterms! At last I've finally adjusted the third chapter to my liking. :) Enjoy! Thanks for the reviews, I love hearing your feedback!

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Upon arriving at the hospital, Kensi prepared herself to be denied permission to visit Deeks. She knew he was still on the fence, knew the fight to survive was still ongoing, and this probably meant no visitors; and yet she had to at least try, to do everything she could to be with him and support him as much as possible.

It came as that much more of a surprise when she was granted permission to visit him.

"He's strong," the doctor overseeing Deeks had proclaimed. "He's not out of the woods yet, but post-op analysis is positive so far."

Kensi couldn't hide a smile as she followed the doctor through the infamous doors of the waiting room that she had longed to pass through. After a series of hallways and two flights of stairs, they stopped just short of a hospital room.

"You can pay him a short visit. Tomorrow we're going to try and see if we can start to wean him off the respirator. Hopefully his progress stays steady."

Kensi thanked the doctor, and waited as he walked away. She turned toward the door, and paused. After a moment of what she could only define as intense mental and emotional preparation, she pushed the door open.

As soon as Kensi entered the room, her heart stopped. She brought her right hand up to her mouth, but wasn't able to stifle a small outcry of painful shock. Nothing she had ever seen – neither as a special agent nor in any other aspect of her life - compared to the sight that met her eyes.

There he lay, completely and utterly beaten. There were so many wires and tubes connected to different parts of his body that he looked more machine than human. His torso was bandaged almost completely, protecting the stitched wounds that lay underneath; and where there were no bandages, there were bruises of a dark purple color. His chest rose and fell in the rhythmic beat of the breathing machine that was keeping him alive.

Kensi managed to bring herself over to the lone chair that was next to his bed, just in time for her knees to buckle under her as she collapsed into the chair.

"Deeks..."

She reached her hand out to touch his, and when she grazed her fingers against the back of his hand, her last bit of self-control shattered. The tears she had been fighting to hold back burst forth, cascading down her cheeks in silent waterfall. A chocked sob escaped her lips.

"Oh, Deeks..."

At this point, she didn't even try to stop the flood of hurt and pain spilling out of her eyes. She had long since used up her reservoir of willpower and mental strength to push her true emotions behind the walls of her heart where no one would see them; but being with Deeks now… The raw emotion was too powerful for even Kensi to keep down.

Absentmindedly, Kensi began to stroke the back of Deeks' hand with her thumb. The caressing motion evoked a surprisingly peaceful calm that seemed to emanate from within her very heart. She would have wished for it to heal him, to magically make all his pain go away, but she had a sudden feeling – an inkling she couldn't explain, but could just feel – that he knew she was there, and that this did help.

"Listen to me, Deeks," she said softly, still gently caressing his hand. "You have to get better, okay? I need you… I need my partner. And Monty, he misses you, he needs you too." She chucked softly; then after a small pause, she added in a still softer voice, "You need to come back. Come back to us… Don't leave us… Don't leave me."

Her plea was met with an expected but still disappointing silence. She sighed and removed her hand from his, but instead of withdrawing, she reached her hand over and gently stroked the side of his face. She thought she saw the corners of his mouth twitch upwards in the faintest of smiles, but she couldn't be sure.

And there it was. The fluttering feeling of butterflies in the stomach, the ever so slightly increased heart rate; these were the effects of heightened arousal, of the euphoria one felt when one was in love. That one smile on Deeks' face added gas to the emotional fire that roared fiercely every time he did something that deepened Kensi's attraction to him, that strengthened the bond shared between them.

There was no denying her feelings for Marty Deeks.

Slowly her hand fell from his face and she pulled it back to her, resting her hands in her lap. She wanted to be here, she needed to be here. Prior to visiting Deeks, she had made the conscious decision to stay by his side and to support him, and she knew this; but actually being here now, actually showing her vulnerable side, being forced to confront her true feelings for him… She felt the all too familiar insecure part of her that wanted to pull away, to run away and protect herself. That infamous twinge of panic was starting to twist knots in the pit of her stomach – she could feel the anxiety starting to bubble beneath the surface of her deliberately practiced calm.

Without realizing it, she was on her feet, turned towards the exit with her back to Deeks. She blinked rapidly, fighting to keep a conscious grip on her surroundings and on her body's actions and desires. What was she doing? She had made it clear in her mind that she was going to see it through with Deeks, not to abandon him. She hadn't forgotten her most recent nightmare of witnessing Deeks' death – it still sent shivers down her spine when she thought about it. The fear of losing Deeks was all too real to her, and she knew very well she would not easily cope with losing him.

But her deeper unconscious was not going to be as easily one over as she had thought.

As if to attest to this, her mind – as it had done on many previous occasions - conjured demons from her past. The many memories she had formed with Jack infiltrated her conscious mind. How she had been completely entranced by the giddy and happy feelings he had evoked in her. How he had pursued to gain her trust. How she had finally torn down the walls she had built around her heart and how in doing so she had made herself completely and utterly vulnerable to their love. How he had returned from Afghanistan a changed man. How she had been utterly helpless to ease his pain and help him cope with his PTSD.

How he had abandoned her. How he had brutally crushed her. How she had been left a bleeding heart and broken soul, vowing to never again let another person have such a powerful hold over her by allowing herself to become so damn vulnerable to the poison of love.

She turned back to Deeks, tears stinging in the corners of her eyes – a liquid concoction of emotions spilling out from the darkest corners of her heart and soul. She blinked, furious that even the thought of her past pain was enough to bring tears to her eyes. Deeks had ensnared her in much the same way Jack had done; the giddy euphoria she felt around him, how safe she felt when she knew he was watching her back… He had also more than earned her trust; she trusted him with her life. He was an addiction to her.

But what if something went wrong? What if she allowed herself to succumb to her addiction to Deeks, only to have him abandon her down the line?

"How can I… How could I go through that again?" she asked aloud. In an almost ghost-like glide she brought herself back to the side of Deeks' bed, and once again dropped back against the cushioned frame beside him.

"I can't..." She admitted to the open air. She brought her gaze up once again to Deeks, barely able to see through the bleary veil of tears that covered her eyes. "Deeks, I…. I couldn't go through that again. I'm still dealing with last time… I'm still plagued by that pain…" She drew a shaky breath, trying to calm the giant intertwined cluster of panicked emotions that had now manifested from the knots in her stomach. This was not how she had imagined her visit would go. It appeared she had been unaware of just how strongly her heart was still clutched by her past. She had thought the guilt had gone, thought the pain had lessened, and especially had thought that the fear of losing Deeks would surely overthrow any pain or fear that would emerge from her past.

But the pain remained – and with it endured the paralyzing fear of going through it all over again. She was caught dead in the middle of two equally strong terrors, each opposing the other. It was strange how confident she had felt the night before; her fear of commitment and rejection had lurked in silence when she had been in Deeks' bedroom and had come to the conclusion that her fear of losing Deeks was paramount, and that she would do anything and everything in her power to prevent losing him. She had come to the conclusion that she wouldn't run away from her feelings this time.

Yet in front of Deeks, in front of actually making that choice to be with him a reality, her other fears had suddenly come charging back at full force, and it was absolutely petrifying.

"What do I do, Deeks?" Kensi's voice was barely a whisper. She closed her eyes and tried to visualize him awake, tried to imagine how this conversation would play out.

_How am I supposed to know? _She could picture Deeks' replying. _Besides, if I give you an answer that turns out to be the one you regret, you and I both know I'll have your foot on my ass every day for the rest of my life._

"Humor me," Kensi replied to her imaginary converser. "Just, try to put yourself in my position… What path would you take?"

_I don't know, Kens._

"Come on," Kensi moaned imploringly, "Just tell me what you would do. I'm not asking you to decide my future for me."

Deeks smiled apologetically in her mind. _But that's exactly what you're trying to do. And, uh… I don't know what path you should take. No one else can choose for you, Kens; you have to decide your own fate. Actually, well, Monty might have an answer to your question, but you know him; he bases most of his decisions off of whether or not an option involves doggy bones and walks on the beach. But mostly he goes for the bones._

"Please?" Kensi pleaded. "Just, give me a hint, or a sign, or _something_. I'm so lost right now..."

Even an imaginary Deeks couldn't resist such a heartfelt plea from Kensi. _Well, Kens… Here's the skinny, no sugar-coating, just me saying it like it is. Either you love and take the risk that you might get hurt, or you wall yourself off from intimacy and risk that you miss out on developing what could be the best and most important relationship in your life. Tricky situation? Yeah, you got that right… But there are only two choices, yeah?_

"Yeah," Kensi replied. "But… How do I know which one is right…? How do I choose between the two?"

_Easy. _He smiled that sheepish, coy grin that he always smiled just before making a witty comment. _Write each option on a slip of paper, put them in a hat, swish'em around, and pick one._

"That's helpful," Kensi muttered sarcastically. "I wish it was that easy…"

"It's never that easy, Miss Blye."

Kensi jumped at the sound of the familiar voice, and whirled to witness none other than Hetty enter Deeks' room. Immediately she tried to explain her seemingly one-sided conversation. "Hetty! I, um… I… I was, uh-"

"You were asking your partner for help on making a very big decision in your life."

Kensi frowned, surprised – but at the same time, knowing Hetty, not surprised – that she had hit the nail on the head. She opened her mouth to reply, but the silence that followed showed she had no reply to give.

"It's not uncommon, Miss Blye, to look to those closest to us for guidance in such dire moments. I myself converse with spirits of the dead from time to time."

"Right," Kensi replied. "I just, uh… Ahh, you know, talking to Deeks."

"And how is our Mr. Deeks doing?"

Kensi stole a sideways glance at Deeks, who had yet to show any sign of consciousness. "Well, you know, he's about the same. Hanging in there, but at least he's not getting any worse."

"That's good." Hetty walked over to the end of Deeks' bed, and sent him an encouraging smile. "Keep fighting, Mr. Deeks. OPS is a disturbingly quiet place without your presence. We're all anxiously awaiting your return."

Kensi smiled. Everyone knew that Deeks had sometimes fought with the notion that he didn't really belong anywhere, but it was more than clear that he did belong with NCIS. He was part of their family.

"And how are you, Miss Blye?"

"Me?" The question caught her completely off-guard. An automatically generated "I'm fine" escaped her lips before she could think about a real answer.

Hetty arched an eyebrow. "We haven't seen you in some time. I presume everything is alright?"

Kensi nodded. "Yes Hetty, thank you. I'm fine."

"Good. And how is little Monty doing?"

"Monty's good, he's…" Kensi stopped, confused. "Wait a sec, how did you know I was staying at Deeks' place?"

Hetty smiled her infamous I-know-plenty-of-things-that-you-don't-know-I-know smile. "My job consists of caring for my agents, Miss Blye. This includes keeping track of their whereabouts – within their rights of privacy, of course."

"I see." It didn't really bother Kensi that Hetty knew. It was probably for the best that at least one person knew where she was, in case there ever was an emergency.

"So." Hetty turned to face Kensi, neatly placing her hands together. "You are faced with a decision and you can't seem to make heads or tails of what you should do."

Normally Kensi would have avoided the topic, not wanting to go into personal details – but this time she gave in to the conversation, hoping Hetty might at least have some insightful advice. "Yes. I have two choices, but I can't seem to pick one. I don't know which choice is the right one."

Hetty nodded to show she understood. "I see. Have you considered that possibly neither choice is the right one?"

Kensi frowned. "What do you mean? There's a third alternative I haven't thought of?"

"Not quite," Hetty replied. She cleared her throat and continued. "Consider, hypothetically, an intelligent and talented young individual, athletically capable of participating in the Olympics but also academically capable of pursuing a higher education by attending the most prestigious of universities. Let us say that the parents of this child can only afford to support one endeavor." After a small pause, she asked, "For such an individual in this situation, which of these choices would be the right one?"

Kensi frowned. "It would depend on a lot of things… I guess it would depend on how good a shot they would have at winning the Olympics if they were to choose that path. It would also depend on how important the experience would be to them, compared to how important it would be for them to complete their degree, right?"

Hetty nodded. "This is very true, Miss Blye; but consider the young athlete who values both paths. The desire to win the Olympic gold and the desire to attend the university of their dreams are equally strong. How would you determine which choice would be the right one?"

"Hmm." Kensi folded her arms neatly across her chest, a pensive expression etched into her elegant features. "It's hard to say..."

"Indeed." Hetty mimicked Kensi and also crossed her arms. "It's a rather difficult decision to make. If we were to consider things from a logical perspective, participating in the Olympics may seem the riskier of the two options; there could be a significant experience of loss if the young athlete were not to win. Avoiding this potential loss by pursuing their academic field instead may seem the safer route. Would you agree?"

Kensi briefly analyzed Hetty's reasoning in her head, and found she couldn't argue with it. "That makes sense, yes."

"However, if the young individual were to forego the Olympian path, they would never ever know if they could have brought home the gold. That is a missed opportunity they will never regain and may always wonder about."

"That's also true," Kensi murmured.

"So then, what makes a decision right in this case?"

"Well…" A light dawned as Kensi understood Hetty's initial point. "Neither is right. Both involve sacrifice, but both could yield rewards; one could yield more reward than the other, but it's also riskier."

"Exactly." Hetty smiled before reaching over to Kensi's hand, taking it in hers, and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I encourage you to take the time you need before returning to work, Miss Blye, but do know that both you and Mr. Deeks are missed. The team is simply not the same without you."

"Thank you, Hetty," Kensi smiled and returned the handshake, still trying to make sense of the conversation they had just shared. Hetty waved a quick good-bye to the still unconscious Deeks before heading toward the door.

"Wait, Hetty," Kensi blurted out suddenly. "I have to ask… What was the point of the whole Olympics versus university debate?"

Hetty stopped in the door frame, her back to Kensi. Without turning around, Hetty gave her answer to Kensi's question.

"It's quite simple, Miss Blye... If you can decide which path you would follow in that situation, you will know which path to follow with Mr. Deeks."


	4. Awakening

A/N: Thank you everyone for the continued reviews, I can't say enough how much I appreciate them. :) My muse was extra generous today, so I got chapter 4 up and out! I hope you enjoy. xx

* * *

_Day 12, 14h00._

_It's been 12 days since they took you off the respirator. Progress is slow, but steady. They say that physically, your body is ready to wake up; but mentally, well… That might be another question with a different answer._

Kensi paused, pen poised in midair, and reread the scribbles she had just etched into the leather-bound book she had purchased two weeks ago. She had never been one to chronicle her thoughts and feelings – it wasn't a practice she had grown up with. She couldn't really pinpoint what had possessed her to start two weeks ago, but something about it had just felt… right.

At the very least, it felt slightly cathartic to get the thoughts out of her head.

She put the journal down on the bedside table next to the jell-o cup she had brought for Deeks. She smiled as she recalled how abnormally attached Deeks had been to his much-adored jell-o cup the last time he had been hospitalized.

It was a small gesture, but one that she nonetheless wanted to make.

Thinking back to that time, Kensi started reminiscing about her past; their past. All the missions completed together, all the car rides filled with bickering that was almost always lined with mixed signals… She tried to determine at what point she had started falling for her partner, but couldn't isolate a specific moment in time.

So deep in her own thoughts, Kensi didn't notice the subtle movements in the bed next to her.

"Am I dead?"

The barely audible whisper tore Kensi away from her thoughts. Her head almost snapped off her neck as she turned to face the source of the voice.

She locked onto Deeks' opened eyes. His gaze nearly knocked the breath out of her as a wave of relief washed over her.

He was finally awake.

"Deeks," Kensi breathed, her voice filled with relief. She leaned in a little closer to the bed so he wouldn't have to strain his voice. "How are you feeling?"

"Who?" Deeks' furrowed eyebrows painted a confused expression. His eyes swept around the room, taking in his surroundings, before returning to settle on Kensi. "Wait… Where, where am I? And who are you?"

"What?" Kensi blinked a few times, taken aback by Deeks' apparent amnesia. "You don't know…? Don't you remember?"

Deeks shook his head. "No, I, uh… Uhhm, the last thing I remember… I, uh… I don't… I don't really know." He went to draw a deep breath to calm himself, but the searing pain that erupted in his chest crushed the air out of his lungs. His torso convulsed upwards as he coughed violently, wincing from the overwhelming agony.

"Woah, easy there," Kensi said calmly, resting her hands on his shoulders and gently guiding his body back down against the mattress of the bed. "Just lie back."

He complied with her instructions and let his head sink back against the pillows. He looked up at the ceiling, his face contorted in pain, as he drew small gasps of air.

"Ahhhh… Oh God… Uggghh, okay, _that hurts_…"

Kensi smiled apologetically. "Yeah… Bullet wounds usually do."

"Wait, what?" Deeks' widened eyes flew back to hers. "Bullets...? I was shot?"

"Yes." Kensi frowned slightly, disturbed by Deeks' persevering loss of memory. "Twice…" Kensi paused, hesitant to continue with her explanation, but she hoped it would be useful to jog some of his memory. "You were shot by Sidorov and his men. They were trying to get you to give up Michelle. Are you sure you-"

"I said I don't remember." Deeks' tone was ice-cold, like a knife plunging deep into the conversation. Kensi drew back, put off by being cut off so suddenly, but mostly by the sudden onset of aggression in Deeks' voice. Her eyes narrowed as she scrutinized his gaze, but again he pulled his eyes away from hers to look at the ceiling.

A small sigh escaped Deeks' lips. "Erm… Sorry... I'm sorry, about that."

Kensi shifted uneasily in her seat. "It's… fine. It's okay, it's good."

Deeks shut his eyes, still breathing rather heavily. "I just don't know what's going on."

Kensi arched an eyebrow. "I can help, Deeks. I can explain what's going on." She reached out to hold one of his hands, but Deeks pulled away.

"I don't know." Deeks' eyes re-opened and he fixed his gaze on his hands that he had pulled away from Kensi and into his lap. "From what you've said so far, whoever you are, it seems like whatever happened to me is something I would be better off not remembering… Don't'cha think?"

Kensi fell silent. It was a question she couldn't answer. She had never been brutally tortured as Deeks had been. Was he better off not remembering? Here she was, almost forcing him to relive his torture in his mind, when perhaps it would be better if he remained amnesic. Maybe he would heal faster if he didn't remember; maybe the memories would leave scars so deep that the Deeks they knew would never truly come back to them.

"Whatcha thinking?"

"What?" Kensi looked up, distracted once again from her thoughts. "Oh, just… Nothing," she lied. To quickly change the subject, she reached over for the jell-o cup, and held it out to him. She could see a faint sparkle in his eyes as he couldn't hold back a smile.

"Ohh _sweeeet_," he breathed, snatching the jell-o cup from her outstretched hand. "Got a spoon, Kensalina?"

"Yup," Kensi stood up from the chair and went to the opposite corner of the room, where she had stashed a box of plastic utensils on a shelf. When she picked up a plastic spoon, it hit her.

_Kensalina._

She whirled to face him, staying near the shelf. "What did you call me?"

"What, Kensalina?" Deeks arched an eyebrow, recovering quickly. "I mean, isn't that your name? I heard you and someone else talking before, they called you Kensa-something, but I didn't really hear the something, so I added Lina. You know why? Because you look like someone who eats lima beans. And Kensalima, ahh, just didn't sound right. So I went with Kensalina." He fell silent, gazing hard at Kensi, gauging her reaction.

Kensi wasn't sure if he really had forgotten – or if he was trying hard to forget – but she decided to play along. "You're partly right," she said, slowly making her way over to the bed. "My name is Kensi."

"Oh, cool." He let out the small breath he had been holding, and reached for the spoon in Kensi's hand. "Kensi, short for… Kensalina?"

"Nope, Kensi."

"Short for Kensemily?"

Kensi pulled her arm back, withdrawing the spoon from his reach. "What, no! That sounds ridiculous." She folded her arms across her chest. "It's just Kensi. Not short for anything."

"Oh, okay good. Because my next guess was going to be Kensasaurus, but that makes you sound like a pokemon…"

Kensi rolled her eyes and gently tossed the spoon into his lap. She heard him utter a small "yay" under his breath as he ripped open the container and plunged his spoon into its green contents.

"Mmmmm, well-oh," Deeks said, displaying a wide mouthful of green chunks. Kensi frowned and looked away.

"Aww Deeks, that's gross."

With a sheepish grin, Deeks swallowed his mouthful of apple delight. He placed the empty container on the table next to the bed, and looked around.

"D'you have any more?"

"More?" With both eyebrows raised in an expression of incredulity, Kensi asked, "Do I look like a jell-o store to you?"

Deeks' lower lip jutted out as he pulled out his puppy-dog eyes – clearly some things he hadn't forgotten. "Pleeeease Kensieeeee?"

Kensi let out an exasperated sigh, as if she were dealing with a child. "_Fine_. I'll go get more."

Deeks grinned that famous, adorable, toothy grin of his. Even though Kensi felt he was holding back and had to restrain herself from pushing him to open up to her, she was just so happy he was awake.

She just hoped that he wasn't going to try to shut out that part of his past forever.

She turned towards the door with every intention of actually going to the store, and she had made it halfway across the room when Deeks spoke out from behind her.

"Wait, what's that?"

"What?" Kensi turned back to Deeks and saw him looking towards the other corner of the room. Propped up against a backpack Kensi had brought was Deeks' Slanket.

"Oh, that's just-"

"My Slanket," Deeks interjected. His mouth fell open as he turned to look at her, his cheeks slightly red from embarrassment. "Wait, you went to my apartment?"

"Well yeah, someone had to take care of Monty," Kensi replied, and the words started tumbling out of her mouth as she tried to justify her staying at his place. "Callen's still tracking Janvier, Sam's at home recovering with his wife, and, well, someone had to feed your dog…" Her voice trailed off, thinking that in a panic she had said too much; but it turned out to be just enough to spark a sense of intrigue in Deeks, one that he couldn't ignore.

"Tracking Janvier… What about Sidorov?"

"Sidorov and his men are dead - Janvier got'em. But he also took the gold and ran... We're still tracking him."

Deeks nodded, and the information seemed to relax him a little. Kensi now knew his amnesia was an act, knew it was a self-defence mechanism Deeks was employing to try to forget about the horrible trauma he had experienced; but she couldn't let him go on, she couldn't let him push her out of his life. She wouldn't let him deal with this pain alone.

"So you do remember."

Deeks blinked furiously, holding back an onset of anguished tears. "No… Well, yes… But I wish I didn't…"

Kensi shook her head. "Why didn't you tell me, Deeks? I've been here over two weeks, worried sick about you, and you wake up and pretend you've forgotten everything? That you don't even know who I am?"

He looked down again into his hands, unable to meet her gaze. "I'm sorry… I can't, I don't want to remember… I can't do it, Kens. If I talk about it, if I think about it, I won't be able to stop."

"But Deeks, you're not alone. I'm going to help you, we're going to help you get through it, you just need to let us help you."

"Like you helped get me out when you first found me?"

His words hit Kensi like a physical blow. She took a step back, her glare mixed with fury and pain. "I had no choice," she stated, her voice trembling. "There was no other way to keep Michelle's cover."

"What about my cover?" Deeks' voice grew louder with every word, almost to the point of yelling. His eyes were now fixed steadily on Kensi, and the look in his eyes – the devastation, the absolute and horrible extent of pain – was entirely frightful. "I almost died protecting Michelle, who by the way, I barely even know. So yeah, great, Sam and his wife live happily ever after, and I get to suffer with nightmares for the rest of my life. Cool."

"We did what we had to do, Deeks!" Kensi argued, her voice as loud as his. "If it had been me in that chair, you would have done the exact same thing!"

"No." Deeks shook his head defiantly. "No, Kensi. I would have found another way, _there's always another way_."

"That's not true. It was the only option we had. It was the only way to get everyone out of there alive."

"Whatever."

Kensi shook with hurt and rage. She couldn't believe Deeks' anger; did he really think she could have done anything else? That she had some alternative choice? That she wouldn't have taken any other choice if it had been possible?

She wanted to further pursue the topic, but she knew that at this point in time it would not be a wise choice. "Look," she said, trying to sound calm and collected, "Let's discuss this another time. You need to rest up, okay?"

Deeks shrugged his shoulders but didn't reply. He was just as stubborn and hard-headed as he had always been.

Kensi heaved a troubled sigh. "I'll go get some more jell-o… I'll come back later." She made it all the way to the door this time before Deeks piped up one again.

"Kensi… Wait…"

Kensi stopped, but didn't turn back. She didn't have to look at his face to know how deeply he was hurting; his tone dripped with a concoction of so many emotions, but above all else, she could feel the pain in his voice.

"Kensi, I… Would you… Ahhh, could you just... Um…"

Kensi turned to face him, her cold gaze shielding her sudden intrigue in Deeks' stammering attempt to ask her a question. Deeks' head was in his hands, his fingers wound tightly in his hair. He dragged his fingernails through his hair, tousling it vigorously. He drew a shaky breath, looked up at Kensi, and managed, with a strained voice, to mutter three words.

"Will you stay…?"

The expression on Kensi's face softened as she retraced her steps back to the bed. She sat down next to Deeks, knowing how hard it was for him to have asked her to stay, especially after undergoing their verbal brawl.

"Of course, Deeks."

Deeks nodded, letting his eyes stray from hers. "I just… I don't, I don't really want to be alone right now."

"Okay," Kensi said softly. "It's okay." She reached over and took both of Deeks' hands in hers. His hands trembled with the urge to pull them away, but she held onto them. She wasn't going to let go, not this time.

"It's okay, Deeks," she soothed. "I'm here. I'm here, and I'm not leaving."


End file.
